Just Let Go ~Part 1

I've always believed that, what matters most is not what happens to you, but the person you become because of it. Lately though, this thought just slipped away. When you're in the middle of a mess you tend to forget everything. You have reasons but you don't know what they are. You just hide behind the busyness and chaos of a stress-induced lifestyle. You lose yourself and those who matter most to you. You simply forget.

I remember how, one day —with my meager strength all sapped away— I woke up to a throbbing pain in my chest. I even had to catch my breath for simply trying to get up out of my bed. I could've stayed there. Instead, I took to work. And then.

I barely survived that day, my weakness unnoticed. For it was more a weakness from within. My heart lagged behind, willing for a break. (I have this congenital heart condition, an atrial septal defect. A corrective surgery could not yet be done due to financial difficulties.) But, about three months ago, I tried to run away from my present job. I'd felt a dead-end coming by then. Well, I've been running away from a lot of things. I know. I've tried to run away from religion, relationships, commitment. Anything that threatened to "possess" me. Anyway, I digressed. So, it was only after spending another day and a half confined in a hospital room —completely shut off from the chaos— that I took a sharp turn from my self-destructive habits.

I just let go. And it was not an easy feat.

When you take on your personal "giants", unarmed, most of the time you fail. And you don't just fail at the end, you actually fail long before the end. From what I've been through, that hurts the most. I had personal goals. I wanted them so much, it hurt so bad. I was losing my little battles. And I knew I had to win them first. Yet, it was a lot easier to hold on.

It took awhile for me to realize how sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to. So, I let go of the urges to fight back, to retaliate, to be angry, to sulk, to stop dreaming, to be bitter, to crawl back in the dark, to dwell on the pains...

Alone, I stood back up. I've chosen to take on the impossible odds. Why not? It worked.

You can view the stresses of life as a gruesome burden, one that pulls you out of every sinecure comfort and hiding you can find, or you can embrace it as a chance to stretch. And to spread your wings. To take on a new horizon. To stop surviving and start living. Truly.
“Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.”  ~Earl Shoaf

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