It is trust, not certainty

I'm always drawn back to the "christian" life. Surely, it's not false comfort, or worse —religious piety. Because I never found any comfort growing up in church. I've never considered myself religious anyway. I could have been pious. I had all the chances. Instead, I drifted.

This is where I am religiously —nowhere. If I'm really honest about it.

My drift from faith was not a revolt. Having attended shortly at a Baptist seminary, I ran into a dead-end —of faith. I pretty much walked away from it... for a long time. It was a painful loss of interest. Indifference. I began to look at "religion" with suspecting eyes. Most of the time. And I developed a distaste for religious rituals. Beats me.

My personal hangups with the "church" didn't help much either. But, with three ministers in my family, I had to bite my lips in this respect. That way, falling out from "faith" was less dramatic. I just drifted. And became invisible. Or so I thought. Something just didn't add up. I knew.

It was only when I had nothing left to hold onto and with a nagging sense of emptiness that I've allowed myself to be drawn back in. Still, I protested for as long as I could... to no avail.

I have come to understand now, why the wise King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Faith is all that and more. Yet, too often it becomes a bloody tug-o-war between our sense of reason (which is very limited) and a total dependence on God's sovereign will. Trusting with all your heart is more of the latter. It's difficult, if not impossible. It means succumbing to uncertainties, to things we've not yet seen and might not even understand. Ever. It is trust, not certainty.

Now, I'd always get through when I just stop trying to figure out the whys. You can, too.
Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. ~C. S. Lewis


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